Shattered
by PolishCaskettShipper
Summary: What if Castle followed Beckett when she had a breakdown in KIllshot? My AU take on that painful scene.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi everyone! I haven't written a thing for a long time, but this story has been in my head since always. Let me know if you like it. Should I continue****?**

**English isn't my mother tongue, so if you see any mistakes, let me know!**

**Disclaimer: Castle and song Shattered aren't mine!**

* * *

_**"Shattered"**_

_And I've lost who I am, _

_and I can't understand _

_Why my heart is so broken, _

_rejecting your love, without, _

_love gone wrong; lifeless words carry on _

_But I know, all I know's that the end's beginning _

_who I am from the start, _

_take me home to my heart _

_Let me go and I will run, _

_I will not be silent, all this time _

_spent in vain; wasted years wasted gain _

_All is lost but hope remains and this war's not over_

* * *

"Why me? What did I do? Why is somebody trying to kill me?" Emily Reese asks her with broken voice. Beckett is trying to hold herself together watching this vulnerable girl with watery eyes. Although she's falling through.

"Emily, have you seen anybody watching you lately?" Kate barely manages to ask. She feels that her self-control is close to an end.

"What? I don't know, I don't know." Emily chockes.

"We got to get her to the hospital." EMT cuts in and starts to move a journey, but the woman takes a hold of Beckett's arm and pleads her: " No! Don't let them take me outside! He's still out there!"

Kate knows that fear very well, she struggles with it almost every day. Sometimes, fear of going out of her apartment is almost impossible to overcome.

"No, you're going to be okay Emily." Beckett reassures. Like that kind of talking would help... "Please don't do this! He's still out there. He's going to kill me!" Emily still screams.

That's it. Beckett loses it. "Just go! Get her out of here now! Go!" She can't watch this woman any longer, it's too close to home. Too much like her. Way too much... She must hide so she starts to run. She pretends, that screams of Emily and Castle calling her name are inaudible to her. And maybe they are...

She runs into some deserted corridor reserved only for stuff of the hotel. She doesn't care if she can be here or not. She just has to hide and let go. Her jacket is suffocating her so Kate gets it off. Her badge following soon after. But that doesn't help anyways. Tough detective slumps on the floor sobbing with hopelessness. This pain... It's worse than any physical one... She just... Can't.

* * *

Rick Castle stands there alone in a lobby. He's at lost. He doesn't know what to do. Beckett ran away from him. She hid from him. It hurts. Kate is a mess and he wants to help. But he also knows that his help will be rejected. She's too proud to take it. Unfortunately... So all he can do is wait.

After 5 minutes he's had enough, though. Screw her walls! Rick Castle is not a man who watches the love of his life hurt and does nothing! Period.

* * *

She can't stop crying. She can't stop shaking. She can't have a tad of control over her damaged body and soul. Fucking PTSD! It's supposed to be 'soldiers only' disease! Why it hurts so much when there's no blood and all the scars are healed!?

"Beckett...? Kate? Are you in there?"

_Oh no... Oh, Castle, no... _

She tries to reassure him that she's fine, that there's nothing to be worry about and to leave her alone. She really tries. But when she opens her mouth only one more agonizing sob comes out.

The door opens in a flash. She doesn't even have time to blink when she's pulled in a hug. A great one. A secure one. The hug. Castle flavoured. And suddenly everything is better. Not entirely, but enough to stop the shaking.

* * *

**So...?**

* * *

**PS. I don't even start talking 'bout Watershed... Don't have enough time. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for all the reviews and alerts. You made my day!**

**Here's another chapter. I know it's really super teeny tiny. I am sorry, but I'm very lazy and I get distracted by Tumblr ^^ Besides, English isn't my first language and it's harder for me to write in it. I hope you'll understand. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle. In Marlowe we trust!**

* * *

_Previously:_

_The door opens in a flash. She doesn't even have the time to blink when she's pulled in a hug. A great one. A secure one. The hug. Castle flavoured. And suddenly everything is better. Not entirely, but enough to stop the shaking._

* * *

She lets out another sob, but it's lighter. Rather from relief than grief. Castle's arms around her tightens even more. His smell is overwhelming and her head automatically moves to bury in the crook of his neck.

This is home. This is where she's supposed to be.

But she can't.

She's gonna hurt him and he doesn't deserve that. He can be as damaged as she is. Not him. Not Castle. So she tries to move away from him. Castle, however, doesn't stop hugging her and Beckett has to admit, he's strong.

"Castle... Let me go... I am fine..." She says with shaky voice.

"I am never letting you go, Kate..." He answers and she feels light kiss being pressed against her hair. Her heart twitches.

"Rick, please..." Now is his turn to twitch. Beckett said the same words, with the same sorrow. All he sees is hangar, lifeless Roy's body and broken Kate crying over another person that has left her.

"No. Just... Don't say you're ok. I know you, Beckett. I really do and I see what's going on with you. If you want you can scream, you can kick. Whatever, I don't care. I am not letting you go. Understood?" He asks and makes her to look him in the eyes. She nods gently.

Her eyes are puffy and red. Mascara smeared all over her face. Her hair is a mess. But it doesn't matter to Castle, because she's just agreed with him and all he can think about is how beautiful she is.

"Thank you..." Castle says and gently pulls back a strand of her hair behind her ear.

"For what?" She almost laughs.

"For not hiding and letting me in. See, you think that people will think less of you when you show them your flaws, but... Nothing, not a single thing can make me think less of you. You're extraordinary. I meant it and still do." He smiles and nods to back up his small speech.

Suddenly, he has Beckett's arms around his neck and problems with breathing. Castle feels her smile on his cheek and it warms his heart. He puts his arms around her waist and return the hug.

After a while she ends it and gently pushes the writer away. "C'mon, we have a case to solve. Boys probably wonder what's taking so long."

"No." He states calmly but with determination.

"No...?"

"Beckett , I know what you're gonna say, but you are not fine. Period. Here's what's gonna happen: I call the precinct and tell them you caught some virus. Esposito and Ryan can handle this. We are going to your apartment. You'll take the bath, I order in some Chinese..."

"Castle..." She stands and collects her jacket and badge, he following her soon after.

"... and then we'll talk about the cut on your arm" Beckett pales. "What? You think I didn't notice? Kate... I observe you for a living."

* * *

**So...? **

**Your reviews are to me like coffee to Beckett.**


	3. Chapter 3

**I am sooo sorry I didn't update in so long! Now I have holidays, so I'll do my best and write some chapters. **

**Sorry for my English, as always. If you notice some mistakes, please let me know!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Castle. I mean... C'mon!**

* * *

_Previously:_

_"Beckett , I know what you're gonna say, but you are not fine. Period. Here's what's gonna happen: I call the precinct and tell them you caught some virus. Esposito and Ryan can handle this. We are going to your apartment. You'll take the bath, I order in some Chinese..."_

_"Castle..." She stands and collects her jacket and badge, he following her soon after._

_"... and then we'll talk about the cut on your arm" Beckett pales. "What? You think I didn't notice? Kate... I observe you for a living."_

* * *

The ride to Beckett's apartment is quiet and uneventful. She decided that there's no point in arguing with this man. This sweet, caring man...

She didn't protest when he gently put his hand on her back steering her out of the building and into her Crown Vic. She didn't protest when he extended his hand expectantly, waiting for car keys. He didn't ask, didn't pry. She didn't protest when he gently put his hand on her shoulder and guide her, first to the elevator and then to her apartment.

"Here we are... Go ahead, take a bath and relax. I'm going to run to the store. Knowing you, your fridge is either empty or full of things that I'd prefer not to touch and..."

"Castle... You don't have to..." Beckett cuts in. All she wants is to curl up on her bed and cry. Alone.

"Oh, but I want to, so give up already. You know I won't let go." He answers with warm and encouraging smile, practised for years with Alexis.

"Yeah, you don't let go..." Detective murmurs almost mutely.

"What?"

"Nothing. I'll go have that bath. Is that okay, dad?" She works up to some teasing.

"Funny!" He sticks his tongue at her and starts heading to the front door. "I'll be back as fast as I can. Enjoy your bath. The images I have in my head are sooo inappropriate, Beckett..." She catches him saying as the door closes.

* * *

When Beckett emerges from her bathroom, amazing smell hits her. After popping on old, 3 sizes too big NYPD hoddie, she goes back to the living room. Castle's humming some unrecognizable song, bustling in her kitchen. He hasn't noticed her yet. That gives her some time to unashamedly watch him. He looks so 'at home' and sooo happy! She must smile.

"What are we eating?"

"Jesus! Beckett! Do you want me to have a heart attack?" Castle exclaims and drops fork he was holding. She looks beautiful. Dressed in leggings and huge hoddie. Her hair wet. Her face free of any makeup, wearing only her smile.

"Heaven forbid! Who else would supply me with coffee and food then?" She laughs and comes closer to stand beside him.

"Good to know why you keep me close..." Castle acts offended.

"Yeah, yeah... End with it. You didn't answer my question. What are we eating?" She asks bumping his shoulder lightly.

"I thought mac&cheese would be the best taking the circumstances... "

"Comfort food, huh? OK. Let's eat. I should have some wine somewhere."

* * *

"So, you're ready to talk now?" He asks her.

They both sit on her couch. Glasses full of just poured wine in their hands. A moment ago they finished cleaning the dishes. Together, cause Kate didn't let Castle cleaning by himself. His question makes her stiffen, he can see that, but Castle has no intention letting in to.

"Couldn't we just forget it? You fed me. I'm fine, so just..." She smiles at him and prays for him to just blow it off.

"Kate..." He turns in her direction and looks at her seriously. "I'm not gonna let it go. I've already gave you a head start. I pretended that I didn't see what's going on with you, but it's gone way too far. This case, your behaviour and now those bandages on your forearm. So, I'll sit here until you tell me what's going on."

"I don't know how..." She mutters.

Suddenly, the importance of this conversation hits her. If she's gonna tell him about PTSD it'll be clear that she remembers the day of her shooting as well as his words. What then?

"The beginning would be the best..." Castle jokes, but laugh dies in his throat seeing Kate's eyes glisten with unshed tears. "God... I'm sorry. I am an ass..."

"No, you're not. If someone deserves the truth, it's you..." Beckett smiles at him sadly. "Whatever you're gonna think of me after this conversation, I just want you to know, that at the time it seemed to be the best solution. Least worst. Doesn't mean it excuse my actions..."

"Kate... Please, just say it. It's not like I'm gonna hate you. You can't rid of me that easily..." Writer says lightly.

"I hope so, Castle. I hope so..." She looks him straight in the eye. _Remember you love me, Castle. _"I have PTSD."

"Oh..."

* * *

**So?**

**Follow me on instagram: vampire_chica95**


	4. Chapter 4

**So... Here is another chapter of this story in celebration of 'Castle Photoshoot for season 6 Monday'. I hope you like it! **

**Maybe I'm boring, but I'm sorry for all the mistakes. Like you probably know, English isn't my mother tongue.**

**Now a little bit of self-promotion ^^ Recently I made myself a Instagram account, and I'm hooked, so if you want you can follow me there. I'm vampire_chica95 (the same as twitter). **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.**

* * *

_Previously:_

_"Kate... Please, just say it. It's not like I'm gonna hate you. You can't rid of me that easily..." Writer says lightly._

_"I hope so, Castle. I hope so..." She looks him straight in the eye. Remember you love me, Castle. "I have PTSD."_

_"Oh..."_

* * *

His face is blank, guarded. Beckett's heart withers. They sit in silence for what seems to be hours. Kate can't take it anymore.

"I am so sorry, Rick... I understand if you need some time..." She whispers brokenly. "I would..."

"No. You can't be alone now." Writer states assertively. "I'll stay."

"Castle, really..."

"Did it help?" He asks in return.

"Help?"

"Lying, running away, bottling away, et cetera, et cetera..." He really tries to not sound bitterly, but by the way Kate's flinches, he probably fails...

"I... That was my way of coping, I guess... I... I don't know, Castle..."

"Was?"

"Yeah, I hope. I... I work on it with my therapist, actually." She smiles sadly at him, but he still stares at the floor. He's silent, so Beckett chooses to continue. "He cleared me for duty, but I came back to him. He diagnosed me with PTSD. This sessions helps a lot. We talk about my mom, my walls, you..."

Castle head finally snaps up. He looks at her with wide, troubled eyes. "God, Kate..." He chokes out. "I had no idea... PTSD? I thought that only soldiers have it..."

"Right?" Beckett laughs bitterly. "When he first mentioned it, I just laughed it off. But I guess he's right..."

"I'm so sorry, Kate..." Castle sounds so sincerely, his eyes looks suspiciously wet.

"Why in the world you are apologizing!? Castle, you are the reason I wanted to change in the first place!" She exclaims hearty and in the heat of the moment grips his hand with both of hers. "You have nothing to apologize for, Rick... I am the one who screwed everything up. I'll be apologizing to you for the rest of my life..." She adds softly and cautiously lays her head on his shoulder, still holding his hand."

He doesn't know what to do. Never in his wildest dreams have he thought, that the event of today would pan out this way. He has so many mixed emotions. He's still angry at her. Hurt. But on the other hand he wants nothing but to comfort her. Help her. He's amazed by her simple touch. He feels at peace with her lightly pressed to his arm.

After a while he feels her pulling away and realizes, that he didn't respond to her touch. She might misinterpret it. So Castle takes a risk and gently put his arm around Beckett's shoulders and pulls her to his side once again. She goes willingly and lays her head on his chest. Writer feels that she's not one hundred percent relaxed, but she's trying and that's enough for him.

"It's gonna be alright, Kate..." He says after a while.

She looks up at him with red-rimmed eyes. "How can you be so sure?"

"Because you're trying and you care. That's a lot, don't you think?" He smiles encouragingly and she grins right back at him.

"Especially I have a good reason..." Shy adds shyly and lays her head in the crook of his neck. "Can I ask you something?" She speaks up, giving Castle a goose bumps.

"Sure..."

"How can you still sit here with me after I hurt you so badly? I mean... I don't know... I rather expect you to storm out of here and... How can you not hate me, Rick?" She's almost crying asking those questions.

Castle smiles to himself and gently kisses her silky hair, causing her to snuggle into him even more. With his lips still pressed to her head he whispers softly: "I think you know the answer, Kate. I know you do."

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**The end...?**

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**PS. Who else can't wait for "How We Made Love"? It's gonna be marvelous! If "FLO" didn't kill me, this will!**


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